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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29302476">Help me understand</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shipship/pseuds/shipship'>shipship</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fighting for you [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Crying Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Needs Castiel, Depression, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Loss, M/M, Not Beta Read, Soulmates, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:35:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,766</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29302476</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shipship/pseuds/shipship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack visits Sam in the bunker and it is just now that he finally begins to understand just what Dean has been going through since Cas died.</p><p>Contains spoilers for 15x18 Despair!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fighting for you [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2152224</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Help me understand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey Guys,<br/>So, this is my first ever Destiel fanfiction that I've written so please don't be too hard lmao. I actually used to write a lot but stopped due to some personal stuff I was going through but now I picked it up again and really really hope that you'll enjoy it. </p><p>This is the first part of a wip-series and I promise there will be some comfort to all the hurt at some point. I really hope some of you will be interested enough for me to keep working on the series, I got totally awesome things in mind for it *wink*<br/>Also, English isn't my first language so please excuse any errors 😊 Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Sam". He couldn't believe his ears. Could it really be? He spun around and nearly shrieked at the sight in front of him. "Jack! Oh my God, it's so good to see you. How are you? What are you doing here man?"<br/>
Jack smiled at the younger Winchester. "it's good to see you, too. You guys are still my family and I know I said I would not interfere and be a hands-off kinda God and I meant that. But like I said, you are my family and you taught me that family is important and that everyone needs to take care of each other, so I was wondering if it was okay for me to check in sometimes? As Jack, I mean. Not as God."<br/>
His smile was hopeful and sincere and Sam started grinning, not fully having internalized the idea of this three year old dork being the new God yet.<br/>
"Of course, Jack. You will always be part of this family and we would love to have you around again. I mean, I know you probably have lots of important things to do up in heaven but, you know, it would be nice to hang out sometimes. If you've got the time, of course."<br/>
"Great!" Now Jack was beaming at him and Sam couldn't help but return the smile. "So where's Dean? I was hoping he would be here, too." Sam's smile faltered at that. Truth be told, Sam hadn't seen his brother in over a week.<br/>
"He's here. At the bunker, I mean. He just... He hasn't left his room lately. At least not when I'm around. I've seen a couple of dirty dishes in the kitchen that weren't mine so I'm glad he's at least not starving in there. But it's just a small comfort. I hear him crying at night. It broke my heart the first time I heard it. I've seen Dean cry a couple of times over the years but this was different. I went to his room that night because I wanted to be there for him but he wouldn't talk to me. Wouldn't even open the door. It's really bad, Jack. Losing Cas broke him, I think. Not only his heart, but his soul, too. I don't know if he'll recover from that. Not this time."<br/>
Jack sighed and looked at the ground. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, looking like he was debating something in his head. When he opened his eyes, he sighed again and walked towards the bunker table in order to sit down across from Sam. "I know Dean misses Cas. I miss him, too. But Dean... I don't know. It seems different. He has been praying a lot over the last couple of weeks. At first his prayers were full of anger and hatred. He was yelling a lot. But now... I don't know, I guess he just seems sad."<br/>
Sam was looking at him with wide eyes, genuinely surprised. "I didn't know he still does it. Praying, I mean. I guess I thought that was just a Cas-thing he did, you know? Before Cas came along, Dean didn't really have faith. He didn't believe in Angels or God, or anything really. Cas changed that. He changed a lot of things about Dean actually. When Cas was around, Dean always seemed more calm and content and I dare say, sometimes even happy. He drank less, too. And when Cas wasn't with us at the Bunker for some reason or another... I don't know. It seemed like they were still somehow communicating with each other? I can't explain it and it was just a feeling anyway. It's dumb, forget I said anything." Sam chuckled a little and shook his head at himself. Jack, however, looked at him with a knowing smile. "It's not dumb at all, Sam. I once had a conversation with Cas about his bond with Dean. Has either of them ever talked to you about that?"<br/>
Sam contemplated that for a second but came up empty. "I don't think so. I mean, Cas once mentioned that they 'shared a more profound bond' or something, whatever that means."<br/>
"Well yes, Dean and Cas did share a very special bond. This bond made it possible for them to communicate with each other without having to use words or a cell phone, or anything really. Cas told me they would often share their thoughts or emotions with the other and sometimes even had whole conversations through their bond."<br/>
Sam looked at the younger man in disbelief. "Wow, that... Damn. That seems like kind of a big deal. I can't believe Dean never told me any of this."<br/>
"Well, it was very personal and also intimate. Maybe Dean wanted to keep it just between him and Cas. But I do believe this explains why your brother is so devastated and why this time you got the feeling that it's different than the other times Cas had died in the past."<br/>
"How so? What do you mean?"<br/>
"The other times, Dean had been pretty shaken up about Cas dying, too, right? He would drink much more alcohol than he normally did and be like really depressed. But you said it yourself, it had never been this bad before.<br/>
So, Sam, the other times Cas died, he did so unwillingly. He always felt the need to return to earth, to you guys. That's why a part of his grace never really left this realm. I guess you could say some parts were still 'flowing around'. It was just there. Even if Cas was dead, a tiny part of his essence was still there for Dean's soul to reach out to.<br/>
This time, however, Cas willingly chose to sacrifice himself. He knew this way he would save Dean's life and had therefore made peace with the idea of dying. Because for him it would be worth it. So now, after having been used to this connection for twelve years, Dean felt Cas' grace being ripped apart from his soul completely for the first time ever. I cannot imagine the loss and the agony he must have felt at that moment. I'm sure it's that kind of pain neither you, nor I could ever comprehend. So maybe you understand now that Dean needs some space right now and that he isn't ready or capable to talk about it. Perhaps never will be."<br/>
By now, Sam had tears streaming down his face. He felt stuck in a position where he was helpless to do anything to relieve Dean's pain. "Fuck. I don't even know what to say. I'm having a really hard time understanding any of this, to be honest. Wait.. so, are you saying they were, like, in love?"<br/>
Jack seemed to consider it for a second. "I can't answer that." he finally said. "What does that mean you can't answer that?" Sam asked with a frown on his face. "The connection the two of them shared is beyond human comprehension. You don't exactly have a word for it. In Enochian we call it rah-dul-mar. Loosely translated, the most fitting word in the English language, I think, would be soulmate. It's still not the same though. It's a lot more. Much bigger than the concept of soulmates. Whether their bond, however, was purely platonic or if it was romantic or even sexual, I cannot answer because I simply don't know. The only people who could give you a real answer to that question are Dean or, well, could have been Castiel."<br/>
"Damn... That's a lot to unpack here. But uh, thanks for clarifying that for me. This whole situation is starting to make a lot more sense now. Do you, uhm, do you know if there's anything I can do? To help him cope or, I don't know, make it a little easier for him?"<br/>
Jack smiled at him but shook his head no. "Sam... How do I put this? I know growing up the two of you basically only had each other and thus developed an unhealthy codependency. I know you love your brother and that you're hurting, too, but you need to let him figure this one out by himself. Don't look at me like that. I'm not saying abandon him or anything in the likes. I'm just saying that maybe Dean needs a little more space than you're already giving him right now in order to start healing. He needs to be able to let go of that pressure that's weighing on his shoulders while simultaneously knowing that he is cared for."<br/>
"I think I understand. Thank you, Jack. I mean it. This helped a lot."</p><p> </p><p>____________________________________________</p><p> </p><p>When Dean woke up that night, he couldn't breathe. A nightmare. Again. That's something he had gotten used to since Cas was gone. Night after night after night he was having bad dreams. How long had it been anyway? He couldn't tell. At some point he stopped counting the days. Actually, that was a lie. Dean knew exactly how long it had been. A month and a half. Six weeks, three days and fourteen hours since Cas had been swallowed up by back goo. Since the Empty had ripped him away from Dean.<br/>
Each time he woke up, face stained with tears, heart beating frantically and unable to breathe, he would grab the whiskey that was hidden under his bed and drink enough of it so he would calm down a little. When he reached for the bottle this night, Dean found it to be almost empty. He huffed in annoyance and downed what was left of it. After listening carefully for sounds that would indicate that Sam might still be in the kitchen and having heard none, he held his breath and sneaked through the hallway and into the Bunker's kitchen. When he passed the table, he found a note written in Sam's handwriting. </p><p>
  <em>"Hey Dean,<br/>
I figured you might want some space so I'm going to Eileens' for a little while. I know you're hurting really bad right now and that I probably won't ever understand just how bad, but I want you to know something. You are one of the strongest people I know and you will get through this. In case you need anything, and I mean <strong>anything</strong>, call me whenever. I'll be there. I understand that you can't talk about it right now but if you ever feel ready and need to get if off your chest - I'll listen.<br/>
You're not alone in this, I promise.<br/>
Please take care,<br/>
Sam</em>
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